Reality Tv

Isn’t it strange how the very thing you want to escape from can grab a hold of you and try to keep you in it’s clutches? It’s like that with me and tv. Just when I’ve made the commitment to take a break from it, I can’t seem to shake it off. And my dream of trying to live a different kind of life with my family came dangerously close to turning into one of those awful reality tv shows.

In keeping with the style of bad tv, I’ll start with the back story, build an arc to create tension and suspense and then resolve the crisis, rolling the credits and letting you get on with your day.

Opening shot: Haines as a young woman in journalism school, fade to photos of her working in radio and tv, including one very quick shot of her anchoring disaster at CTV. Fade to photos taken over the last four years with a voice over detailing how proud and honoured she is to have hosted a two time gemini awardwinning talk show.

Up tempo music with narration over images of her impossibly handsome, sexy, sweet, adorable husband Steve, working as a set decorator on major tv and film projects in Toronto.

The arc builds as Steve and Avery realise they have everything but aren’t fully living their lives. They contemplate a drastic move to India, where Avery spent her childhood, but chicken out and settle instead on the much less extreme Costa Rica . The tiny central american country has great memories. A long ago wedding proposal. A recent month long family vacation. No army. Kind people. Relatively easy language to learn. Great weather.

The plans move fast. The car is sold. So is the house. 6 acres of land, overlooking the Pacific, purchased in a little town called Mal Pais. That’s right. Bad Country. And it’s near Montezuma. As in Montezuma’s revenge. The duo refuse to focus on images of bad countries and diarrhoea and push on.

The little fishing/surfing village is nestled along the coast [lots of shots of howler monkeys, huge iguanas, armadillos, red crabs] It is very remote. About 5 and a half hours along nasty roads to the capital of San Jose. And that’s IF the roads don’t wash out during the rainy season. [ roll wild west music with dust storms and huge craters] There’s no hospital. No post office. Not even a bank. But there are unbelievably friendly locals, a strong expat community of surfers and yogi’s and more than a few tasty restaurants, with an organic market on the beach every Saturday morning.



But if this were a reality tv show, we wouldn’t focus too much on all of that. Because good and happy is boring. Instead we’ll cut to the crisis: Will we put our dream for sale. Are we willing to exploit our adventure for money. And because reality tv is rarely real at all, we’d have to alter our dream as well. Become a little cartoonish. The screaming wife, the angry husband, the naughty children,. The funny bits of us trying to learn the language. The inevitable tears and frustrations. Fast paced edits with the obligitory shots of sexy surfers and sunsets on the beach.

There would be 2 cameras and a sound person following us around for the first 6 months, as we try to set up a home, make friends, create a community. It could pay for our adventure. But would the money be worth it?

And I so badly wish I could say we dismissed outright the proposals that came our way. That we slammed down the phone. Deleted the e-mails. But the truth is, we talked to a couple of producers. We were tempted. Steve and I even fought over it. But in the end it was pretty obvious to both of us.

I have no doubt that it would have been fantastic tv. And even though we contemplated it, the decision to say no wasn’t tough. Anyone who’s watched even one reality show knows that there’s no winning.. We would have been seen at our worst. . Our lives edited and chopped and twisted to create the necessary elements for a good show. And we would have done it only for the money.

Steve asked me if writing a column was exploiting our experience as well. I guess in a way it is. Except I love to write. I have control. And I can edit out the parts that make me look especially bad. Crisis resolved. Roll Credits.